Are you in a muddle over domestic chores? Ask Happy Homemaker for practical and up-to-the-minute advice. You won't be disappointed!

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Hi. My name is Suzy and I have ugly wax build-up on my very old linoleum floor in the kitchen. Sam (my hubby) and I want to upgrade the floor but are not certain if it would be cheaper to strip the old floor or buy terrazzo. Little Johnny has a flame thrower in his toy box, and I was wondering if we could kill two birds with one stone by melting the wax with heat and barbeque a chicken all in one fell swoop? Today's the 4th (July) and it's raining so we can't barbeque or we'd catch our death. Our church is lousy with janitors who could strip the floor, but Sam and I don't trust any of them any farther than we could throw them. We're into sports and have good throwing arms, too.

I'm really in a quandary, HH! Please reply asap because we're having company over this afternoon and want to show off our new floor (or, at the very least, a clean floor!)

Thanks heaps!

Suzy Q.

 

Dear Suzy:

I feel the flame thrower is out because I have taken the liberty of checking out your homeowner's policy and, should you fail in your intended purpose and conflagrate the house, your agent will search for loopholes to CHA (not CYA). Perhaps you might check out lovely designer painter's tarps and swath your ugly linoleum with one that matches your equally ugly walls (don't ask me how I know). Perhaps, too, your lazy sloth of a partner (I know you two are not married) can plug in the kitchen range, precluding all need for dangerous incendiary devices. Additionally, you're beer-budget folk ... pretty high-and-mighty thinking you can afford terrazzo! I'm not impressed. I don't trust your church janitors either; when I say "no" to their religious tracts EVERY Sunday morning, they ask if they can leave one of their business cards instead, offering huge discounts on their services. Fools.

I hope I've been of some help, Suzy!

Yours truly,

Happy Homemaker!