DESPONDENT WRITER JUMPS UP AND OUT BASEMENT WINDOW
Disassociated Press News Release (October 25, 2008):
An aging writer was found today by passersby, lying dazed and confused outside his basement studio window, in what local authorities are treating as a failed suicide attempt. Witnesses claim to have seen Gabriel Horne, age 60-something, leap up through and out the window of his subsurface residence.
It is understood from neighbors, who scarcely know Mr. Horne due to his reclusive nature, that he was depressed/angry/enraged over countless letters of rejection from various book publishing firms. They admit to knowing this only from having observed piles of shredded letters at the base of his mailbox, which shredding was always accompanied by screams and cries of despair, which, naturally, drew worried but frightened neighbors to rifle through the mail, but only after Mr. Horne had clomped furiously back into his lowly hovel.
It is said, too, from an anonymous source, that Mr. Horne's only savings, from a bank account started in elementary school, was not insured by the FDIC (given today's monetary crisis and by a frivolous and cruel twist of financial fate), hence the writer's impoverished state and consequent inability to buy ink cartridges at STAPLES.
(Contributed by Horace Hack, Staff Writer, Office of Runonsentencesextraordinaire.)
Disassociated Press News Release (October 25, 2008):
An aging writer was found today by passersby, lying dazed and confused outside his basement studio window, in what local authorities are treating as a failed suicide attempt. Witnesses claim to have seen Gabriel Horne, age 60-something, leap up through and out the window of his subsurface residence.
It is understood from neighbors, who scarcely know Mr. Horne due to his reclusive nature, that he was depressed/angry/enraged over countless letters of rejection from various book publishing firms. They admit to knowing this only from having observed piles of shredded letters at the base of his mailbox, which shredding was always accompanied by screams and cries of despair, which, naturally, drew worried but frightened neighbors to rifle through the mail, but only after Mr. Horne had clomped furiously back into his lowly hovel.
It is said, too, from an anonymous source, that Mr. Horne's only savings, from a bank account started in elementary school, was not insured by the FDIC (given today's monetary crisis and by a frivolous and cruel twist of financial fate), hence the writer's impoverished state and consequent inability to buy ink cartridges at STAPLES.
(Contributed by Horace Hack, Staff Writer, Office of Runonsentencesextraordinaire.)
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