Dear Gloomy Gus,
I'm Pollyanna and I'm glad all the time. Since I fell out of the giant elm tree outside my bedroom window when I was a wee lass, I've thanked heaven that I received no more than a scratch on my pretty little forehead. I'm really blessed and I wish to spread goodwill and cheer to all whom I meet. Now that I'm quite grown up and have inherited Aunt Polly's considerable fortune and, in fact, her entire eponymous village, I want to do good toward all. It is not enough, I feel, simply to go to the homes of the less fortunate and, along with Nancy (yes, she works for me now!) hand out jars of calves' foot jelly and the like.
What do you think I should do with my millions now that I'm in complete control of my life and my fortune (yes, it's really, really mine!) and village and inhabitants entirely in my thrall?
Regards,
Pollyanna H.
Miss Priss Pollyanna,
I took a blow to the head very young in life when I was dipping pigtails of precious darlings like you in my inkwell when I was supposed to be doing my arithmetic in class. Mr. Kravitz would have been thrown in the slammer if he did that today. Of course, Mr. Kravitz got the go-ahead from my parents and the local constabulary to use whatever means necessary to keep me in line. I digress. I think I counted some 20 self-references: "I," "my," "mine." Don't quote me on the figure - like you would!
It makes me sick that your "I" problem wasn't attended to sooner. But that's not the issue now. It's on the back burner for the moment.
Have you finally replaced the boiler that nearly took down the orphanage and all its hapless victims? Your dear Aunt Polly sure had to be hit over the head before she saw to renovating that derelict building where she stuffed all the parentless children. And when you have guests over, do you serve them more than a "light lunch"? That was pretty cheap of your aunt, who surely had the staff and means to put on a real feast. What do you plan on doing to help the orphans? You're an adult now - well, at least chronologically. Do you have Adult Services available to these now-grown orphans? I doubt that you do, or even care. A lot of good your money does you. You are so not selfless! You talk the talk, but will you walk the walk? All that you Harpingtons do you do for show!
It doesn't matter what you plan on doing here on out after my entirely justified diatribe. My mind's made up. Money is the root of all evil! And you'll grow old and lonely like your spinster aunt because no one will have you.
So there!
GG : - (((
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