Can I Be a Good Mother?

Having a baby doesn't make you a loving and selfless mother automatically.

Mom had her hang-ups before we were born, Sis. I think she took out all her frustrations and anger on us because she was so mad at life and the hand she was dealt. No one in Dad's family respected her though she sure as hell tried to win Grandma's approval. Since her own mother had died when she was only four, Mom needed a surrogate female to guide her through those early years raising us. She had no idea what she was doing. Despite the distance Grandma put between herself and Mom, Grandma wasn't evil and conniving. She didn't hate Mom - just didn't know how to deal with her crazy daughter-in-law.

So here we are: Mom was screwed up early-on, but you know just as well as I do how much she loves us. Maybe she has a queer way of showing it, but, now that I'm older and a little wiser, I want to be forgiving. I'd hope my family would show me a little compassion if I turned crazy. Well, crazier ...

You know, Joan, Mom wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of a brood of kids so soon after she and Dad were married. Even those times she took off and Dad had no idea where she was and we kids were crying our eyes out, she never really abandoned us. I realize that sounds ridiculous because she was truly gone physically. Dad was frantic. We felt orphaned, though, of course, Dad never left our side.

When she finally returned, one time, and then another, she was so pitiful. Even as a little girl - though the oldest of us three - I could feel her grief and see the guilt etched around her mouth and eyes. Kids don't need words and big explanations to see into the heart of an adult. Mom dragged home sorrowful and her tail between her legs after she got her head back on straight. She hated herself but loved us so desperately.

It's no wonder we question our ability to be good mothers, if and when that day should ever come ...